I really must keep up with this thing! I've just discovered that i have one follower! ^__^ Which is Cliffy. :] I love that kid.

I'm going to watch a movie over at Josh's dorm. We're officially "together". When i posted it on my FB Alicia was being quite prissy about it. She doesn't even know him. I don't think anyone has ever really taken the time to get to know him. I don't think people ever take the time to get to know anyone who comes off as "different". I will admit it, I tend to shy away from those people in a sort of way. I talk to them, but I always keep a distance just in case, ya know? I really shouldn't be that way, but if i don't i begin to become naive. Thinking the best of people is really great, but it's kind of unrealistic. People have rough edges and if you're not careful, it could damage you and your efforts to make them feel welcome would be in vain. Don't get me wrong, I love these people like God says I should, but sometimes I'm more hesistant to show them that love because of their facade. It's intimidating. But i guess all they really need is love - that's all they're really looking for and they've been looking for it in all the wrong places and begin to develop a misconception of love thus creating a wall in front of everyone who really knows how to show them that love. Does that make sense? i like to think that's pretty basic psychology. :P

Well, I've discovered that I'm very low on money. School and bad decisions are wiping me out. :/ So i've applied to 2 jobs online: KMart and JCPenny. When i went to the Jackson 10 yesterday, Alex was there and he told me i should apply there and put him down as a reference, so i did. :] I'm gonna finish it up and try to turn it into him sometime soon. Hopefully I'll get one of 3 of those jobs because I'm feeling very unsecure right now. I'm seriously considering some more loans. I'm also contemplating living in the dorms next semester. Or maybe I could apply for the villages next year, I'm sure that's a lot cheaper than what it would've been to live on campus. I wish it was easier to get a decent-paying job around here. Then i wouldn't feel so stressed out.

Mmkay, so i gotta go do my laundry now. And some homework. Ugh, i hate homework. Next semester is gonna be so much harder. :/ I have a tougher sched. I really wanna take voice lessons, but i don't have any room in my course planner to do that. And I'm not about to pay $400 to take them. fjdskla; FML. :]

Wandering Aimlessly.

I keep staying up late. I'm addicted to Facebook. I really need to stop. It's ridiculous how much time i spend on it.

I'm getting pretty stressed out. I have a bunch of things i need to do and not enough time to do it all cos i get so distracted all the time. my distraction makes me lose my time. it's so frustrating. It just slips right through my fingers, time does.

I don't wanna do Young Life anymore. I wonder if they would hold me against it. I doubt it. I'll just keep "forgetting" until someone asks me about why I'm not coming. They probably won't ask. They'll just forget about me, which is fine cos I'd rather it be that way. I wanna forget about them too. It sounds retarded.

Well, i should probably stop ranting about how i get distracted all the time and actually do my homework cos that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I got distracting by blogging.

My life as of late

i wish living healthy wasn't so expensive. it's ridiculous how much money one must spend to keep a healthy body. no wonder America is so fat - it's cheaper to be that way! it's unfortunate. im so overwhelmed this week. i have so much stuff i have to do and not enough motivation to do it all.

i wish facebook wasn't so addicting. people need to just leave me alone on there, but not really cos it's so flattering to know that im important enough to have attention from these people. i've been getting a lot of boys hangin' around me lately. :] im really diggin' this. ive never had more than one guy like me at a time or even ask me on an official date. it's new and exciting, but also a bit sad cos i don't want to lead these people on. i will go on a date with them, but i don't want them to get their hopes up. :/ i also wish they would stop persuing me online and grow a pair to ask me in person. or tell me these things in person or perhaps even on the phone! but mostly in person. :] it's much more special and flattering that way.

well, i've got stuff to do - i really shouldn't even be writing a blog right now cos of how unbelievably busy i am. >_<' i procrastinate wayyyy too much. :/

A Travel Through the Physical and Emotional Aspects of My Life

My visit to Tennessee was unexpectedly better than i imagined it would be. I'm so glad i decided to go. :] The only downside was the 8 hour drive. :/ It was painful, but i suppose in the end it was worth it. :D Indiana is just the worse state to drive through. It's so boring and longggg. I hate that state - no offense Jaimie. :P

While i was there, we went to Amanda's church. It's a new church, I guess, that's just starting out. They're located in the band room of the local high school. It was really cool. I think it's non-denominational. Pastor Don Logan was really cool - i really like his way of preaching a lot better than a lot of people's. He focuses more on the praises and thanking God for the little things of life: i really admire that. Along with that great experience at the church, a lady came up to me afterwards and told me how much she enjoyed my singing and wanted me to sit behind her every Sunday. ^.^ That made my week right there. :3 I'm so glad my voice is pleasing to others. Perhaps my tiny dreams of becoming a christian singer or something may happen if only in the local scene. Who knows? Only God does. :]

I missed Gnome a lot while i was there. I told Amanda and Katie and some other people about the situation and I guess it's pretty obvious that i have a thing for him according to The Cousin. I just wish it were obvious to him. UGH. Men... they're so clueless.

I think I way a lot more than I used to now. I hate myself for gaining all this weight. It's disgusting. What I hate even more is the fact that I've been trying to eat right and exercise, but instead of losing weight, I'm gaining it! WTF. I hate mom for always eating out - it's gross. I hate her for not respecting my wishes to lose weight and eat right. She just keeps buying all of this junkfood and fastfood and pizza and it's ruining everything I've been working towards. I really wanna do this Master Cleanse diet, but I don't think it will do enough. I just hope that after i do that I start eating the way I'm supposed to. It's hard to break eating habits I've formed since middle school. It's effing disgusting. I hate my body and my will power. UGHHH.

Tennessee, my Sisters and my man.

I'm traveling to Tennessee tomorrow to visit my dear cousin Amanda. I'm really quite excited, but at the same time I'm not feeling the same anticipation as I have for the past month. I am still psyched about visiting Belmont and seeing Amanda and spending time with Katie, but I feel like I was looking forward to this trip more when it was such a long ways away. Strange how that happens to me. But I know that I will have a wonderful time and I will be excited again when I get there and see the grandeur of the campus. :)

I will very much miss The Sisterhood and Small Groups at church while I'm away. The Sisterhood is kind of falling apart. I wish I didn't have to say that, but it's true. Perhaps when I come back I will refocus my attention to this ministry. I feel like it's important, but my I'm afraid I let my mind wander to other things such as my social networking in the real world and my academic excellence. I don't think that it's a bad thing that I've been spending time in these things, but I haven't been spending much time with God or in the ministries He has blessed me with.

I think I'm gonna miss seeing Gnome on Sunday, though. It seems kind of silly to be so infatuated with him, but I really think there's some chemistry between us. I just know he feels the same way, but he's too shy to say so. I guess I'm being hypocritical when I say he needs to get over it and tell me because I'm afraid to tell him too. I think I'm just afraid of the risk I would be taking if I were to tell him. I don't want to ruin what we already have if I'm wrong. Rejection is one of the scariest things I've ever encountered in my life. I think it's because rejection is not only terrifying in the moment, but even afterwards. It's the only fear I take with me everywhere, ya know? Oh, the psychology of phobias are complex. The psychology of virtually everything is complex, but that's what makes life beautiful: there are always questions to ask and answers to find. There's always a chance to learn more and fill my hunger of knowledge. :)

im so confused.

why is there sound- fricken pop-ups. okay, so anyway. I'm pretty excited to be going to Tennessee this weekend. I hope it doesn't suck. The only downside is I'll have to pay a lot of money for this trip. Well, not a lot, but a decent amount. :/

I'm also excited for the new Alice In Wonderland movie. I hope it parallels the book closely. Disney tends to fail at that kind of stuff. And I'm not gonna lie, Twilight is kind of exciting too. I'm not like obsessed like i was last year, im not gonna go to the midnight premiere or anything, but I wouldn't mind watching it. I just hope it doesn't suck like it did last time. Perhaps with the bigger budget, they'll do a better job. I like movies i guess.

I'm tired. I've been really tired lately. I think i have mono. No big deal, whatevs. I think im taking on too much stuff. I need to get a new planner - a bigger one. xD fer real.

So I've got like a handful of boys chasin' after me and it amuses me. I just wish i was into them too. :/ I'm such a horrible person. But i don't care. :P idk. Alex seems like somebody I could possibly date longer than 3 months, but who knows. My relationships have always failed miserable. They only last the summer. It's quite sad. I was actually hoping that now that I'm out of high school Gnome would step up and be like, "lady, i like you. date me!" but he hasn't yet. I'm still waiting, but it's hard. And im too scared to do it myself so he better court me soon or I will just become too impatient and waste my love on some other fool.

Well, I have a long day ahead of me. I must take photos for The Pulse and I have a test in CORE. I also have 2 stories i need to write for The Pulse too. I'm so overwhelmed! But i love it so much. :] it's addicting.